Expect the next Mike Tyson interview to read like this:

Q: You have been quoted as saying if you decided to fight Lennox Lewis you would fight him anyplace but in the state of Florida. Why is that?
A: Well, if by chance it went to a decision, we all know they can't count in Florida. I'm afraid that the judges might intend to vote for me, but would actually vote for him by mistake.

Q: I would agree with that except I can't remember a Mike Tyson fight going the full distance. Okay, that aside, What did you think of the Tua-Lewis fight? None of the three judges gave Tua a round after the fourth. The fight was as depressing as a sexless honeymoon, don't you agree?
A: Yes. By the end of the tenth round many of the 12,085 spectators had already disappeared into the parking lot. They built up the Samoan to be another Jack Dempsey, but Lewis demystified him, ten rounds to two or worse. By end of the fourth round Tua was breathing like an old swap frog. People expected to see Tua go after Lewis with the fury of a bull terrier, but his winging left hooks failed to land. How are you going to win if you don't throw punches? But Lewis showed me nothing either. He pawed like a pussy cat paws a mouse. I think one was afraid and the other was glad of it.

Q: With this loss Tua's record falls to 37-2 and Lewis' climbs to 38-1-1 and the World Boxing Council and International Boxing Federation heavyweights titles remain with the Englishman. In keeping his titles, Lennox said he didn't have to take risks, so he didn't.
A: I can't buy that. The Brits might - if Lewis said the English Channel is a British TV station, they would believe him. Actually, Lewis doesn't care what the public thinks. He doesn't care if he gives the fans their money's worth. That's why he will never be placed among ring immortals, or be a role model for children, like ah...Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano, or me. He should have went after Tua and knocked him out like any true champion would. In my opinion he's as spineless as a chocolate eclair.

Q: Tua said after the fight, "He's a very good champion. I did the best I could but things didn't work out for me."
A: Yeah, and his promoter, Dan Goossen, tried to say that an old rib injury had contributed to his ineffectiveness - that we didn't see the real David Tua. That excuse went over like a pregnant woman doing a pole-vault. Leave the injury alone and deal with the fight at hand.

Q: Many experts say that while you may have a bigger arsenal than Tua, you can't take as good a punch like Tua. How do you answer these critics?
A: Tua is a promising fighter - he should promise to stop fighting. How do they know what kind of a punch he can take? Lewis never landed a crisp punch. I thought Tua would be a tough test for Lewis, but proved to be an insignificant challenger. He didn't throw enough punches and his defense was poor. I suppose if you are a student of jabbing and maneuvering, then you liked the fight. Me, I think the weather channel was more exciting.

Q: So you have no respect for Lennox Lewis?
A: I'd send him a Christmas present but I haven't figured out how to wrap lace around a time bomb.

Q: What makes you think you would have a better chance against Lewis than Tua.
A: I'm as durable as linoleum. I'm quicker than Tua and more savvy against top competition. I would be more successful than Tua was in getting inside because I have no fear. Tua's people rushed him into a title fight. They expected things of him that were beyond his capabilities. It proved to be a serious mistake.

Q: Don't you think if you fight Lewis that he would be more effective with his right uppercut against you, which he did not need against Tua.
A: What you don't understand is I have no fear of Lewis. I'm as uncompromising the IRS. If a rattlesnake bit me it would curl up and die. I have ice water in my veins. If I should fight Lewis you will be watching me execute the so-called Executioner. Lewis is a lazy fighter. He said himself that he could have thrown more punches, but he just threw enough to get by. I would make him work, and he doesn't like to work. He's as lazy as a wet holiday.

Q: Lennox is quoted as saying, "You could say the shine has come off Mike Tyson...and I realize he's maybe got some kind of head problems. But Tyson's got some fans that want to see the fight and I've got some fans that want to see the fight. People aren't going to take him serious unless he comes up against me. A Tyson fight is economics for me and it would seal my spot in history." Care to comment?
A: That proves what I've been saying all along. Lewis needs me. He wants a corner on the market -- but without me he's a market on the corner.

Q: Lewis said you would be an easier fight than Tua. How do you answer that?
A: He said that? That guy is so big-headed he can't get an aspirin to fit him. Look, Tua picked up some betting support in the hours before the fight and went off as a plus 250 underdog. That's because Lewis said he thought Tua would be tougher than me, but it turned out Tua hit Lewis with his "great left hook" and nothing happened. After that, Tua resigned himself to losing to a man who had 15 inches in reach and seven inches in height. Height and reach never bothered me in the past, why should it now?

Q: Speaking on ESPN's "Up Close" show, Lewis said negations for a bout with you are already in progress. Is that right?
A: There is a conflict between cable rivals HBO, which has Lewis, and Showtime, which is lucky enough to have me. They're talking - but without me. Again, Lewis needs me to secure his reputation, I don't need him. Sure it would be a big money fight for everyone involved, but I'm tired of everyone picking on me so I won't fight.

Q: Lewis thinks those fans who didn't respond favorably to the fight due to the lack of a knockout didn't appreciate what he was doing. He said, and I quote: "I don't worry that a few people boo me. If they don't understand what I'm doing, if they don't have more than one way of seeing a fight, that is their problem. What I can do now is deal with the situation that comes before me." Your reaction?
A: Lewis has been gun shy ever since Oliver McCall flattened him in five rounds on February 7, 1997. He hasn't been able to shake the feeling of having his brains scrambled. Every time he fights this runs through his mind. Lewis has as much guts as a skeleton, and that is why he runs instead of fighting. He can make all the excuses he wants, but he's a chicken fighter and he didn't gain any fans with this fight.

Q: Lennox said people like you missed out on the beauty of the sport. He said it's an art form, that he is a big man and that is the way he boxes. To quote him: "I'm not going to slug it out with a little guy." How would you like to answer this?
A: Well if he fights me, he will have to do just that. He can talk all he wants but if I fight him he will be the only man to go down in history to commit suicide without killing himself.

Q: Lewis' trainer, Emanuel Stewart said that if Lewis would have knocked out Tua instead of merely giving him a boxing lesson at the Mandalay Bay Events Center, it probably would have scared you off. He said, and I quote: "Lennox will beat Tyson easily. Tyson is scared of him. I know that for a fact, and he has good reason. If Lennox had pushed on, taken a few risks and knocked out Tua, we would never have seen a Tyson fight. Now it might just happen."
A: What Stewart lacks in intelligence he makes up in stupidity. If they ever put a price on his head, he should take it. Can't you see through these excuses ? Give me a break. He knows Lennox is not a box-office attraction. No ticket seller. So he makes excuses for him. Before the fight, Stewart said Lewis would stop Tua within six rounds. Now he's saying Lennox didn't want to knock out Tua because it might scare me off. Stewart should stand on his head to turn things over in his mind.

Q: After you said you wanted to eat his children, Lewis suggested that you move into a zoo where you would be less conspicuous.
A: I've been living in a zoo all my life and I have always been conspicuous.

Q: I understand that after your first session with a psychiatrist was over, the psychiatrist got on the couch. Can you comment on that?
A: You've got to understand that I'm a warrior. I come to fight. I'm the windshield and my opponents are the bugs. Everybody said Lewis was too big for Tua -- give me a break. Most all of my opponents were bigger and heavier than me and they lasted about as long with me as castor oil. In 1919 The Manassa Mauler, Jack Dempsey, conceding five inches in height, the same in reach and 58 pounds in weight, gave Jess Williard one of the worst beatings ever suffered by a heavyweight champion. I mean, Dempsey went through Williard like a threshing machine. That's the way I would have fought Lewis. Tua has fooled everybody -- including me. Tua should have been swinging from all angles and taking advantages of split-second openings to put Lewis away because that big lummox can't fight backing up.

Q: Lewis said that they tried to get you on the "This is Your Life" program, but had to give up. They couldn't find a friend. What is your comment to that?
A: Why doesn't he sue his brains for nonsupport? I haven't got an enemy in the world. I can't help it if none of my friends like me. But that's because I've learned not to trust anybody. I thought Don King was my friend but when I teamed up with him I got into a stew faster than an oyster. You can't reason with Don. He won't even listen to both sides of a phonograph record.

Q: Lets talk about your retirement. I understand you owe the IRS, and that you have more attachments on you than a vacuum cleaner. So lets get real. You know as well as I do that you are going to fight again, and the only money fight out there for you is Lennox Lewis.
A: Cus told me that love is blind, so when I got involved with girls I started feeling my way around. That got me in trouble and landed me in the slammer for rape. Sure, I've spent money on dames and good times, but I've also been surrounded by leaches who took a lot of my money.

Q: If you don't fight, what will you do --only a baker can make dough and loaf.
A: Well, lots of people make money doing TV commercials. The Boy Scouts of America don't seem to be too particular anymore who they take in. I could do stand-up comedy, or write my biography. Maybe be an actor. There are quite a few options for a man of my talents.

Q: Yeah, I can see you in the movies. You'd look good being chased by a posse or in front of a jury -- let's get back to Lewis. Aren't you afraid that people will think you are chicken to fight Lewis - especially after you saw what he did to Tua -- who has been compared in style to you?
A: Are you out of your skull? Anyone who would compare Tua with Mike Tyson would have to climb Mt. Everest to reach a deep thought. I can name a dozen old-time fighters who would have knocked out Tua or Lewis the night they fought: Max Baer, Jersey Joe Walcott, Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano, Max Schmeling, Sonny Liston, me. The list goes on and on.

Q: I'd like to see a Tua- Tyson fight.
A: Trust me, Tua wants no part of me. I make coffee nervous. Tua proved in the Lewis fight that he not only lacks guts, but he lacks the experience that I have.

Q: What are your thoughts on a third Holyfield-Tyson fight? Steward said he would like to see you beat Holyfield then you and Lewis could unify the title.
A: You know of course that Holyfield butted me twice before I lost my temper and bit his ear. I would do it over again. Its funny that if somebody else does something it is overlooked, but if Mike Tyson does the same thing there's a big to-do about it.

Q: Am I interviewing Don King? You avoided my question. Again, what are your thoughts on a third Tyson --Holyfield fight?
A: It won't happen so why talk about it. Holyfield's time is up. He needs a day off after his day off. He's as active as a leftover fly in January. I can't see him fighting again.

Q: Lewis said, "I would like to fight Tyson if only to help my legacy, but it is not the end of the world for me. I'm happy with my achievements." His promoter, Panos Eliades said if you decide to retire, then Lewis could fight Kirk Johnson in Canada or Wladimar Klitchko in Europe. Do you have any thoughts about that?
A: Lewis landed almost three times as many total punches, 300 to 110. He connected with more than four times as many jabs, 213 to 51. Lewis landed more power punches, 87 to 59. But consider this, he never knocked Tua down. He never had him in serious trouble despite the fact that Tua suffered a rib injury in the second round. If I decide to fight Lennox Lewis he'll slide down the ladder of success so fast he'll be picking splinters out of his ass for a week.

Q: Does that mean you'll fight him?
A: Only if they pay each of us what we're worth. And I don't think Lennox will work that cheap.

Q: Last question. What are your throughts on the upcoming Trinidad-Vargas fight ?
A: I see Vargas winning a decision, but the verdict will go to Trinidad because he is a Don King fighter fighting in Las Vagas. ***

A Bit About Bill Kelly