You wouldn't buy a used car off a guy named Ben Dover. You wouldn't stand in front of a mirror for a half-hour trying to remember where you had seen yourself before. Or turn down a date with a girl named Honey -- for fear she has hives. And, unless you were dropped on your head as a baby, you wouldn't want to miss the approaching pay-per-view Tyson-Golota fight.

On the surface, it's Frankenstein Vs The Wolf Man. David and Goliath. The two dirtiest fighters around, whose arsenals include rabbit punches, headbutting, ear biting, back biting, backfists, uppercuts to the groin. A mixture of rattlesnake and tarantula venoms. This fight may leave a scar on boxing long enough to vie with the San Andreas fault. Fistana's worst nightmare. It could make the Fall of the Roman Empire look comprehensible by comparison.

First off, they must find a referee courageous enough to separate these two gladiators. I mean, would you step in between Godzilla and King Kong ? Try to separate two Dobermans fighting over the last bone? Presumably, Joe Cortez would rather be stranded on a ghost ship with Hannibal Lecter. Or be isolated in an underground laboratory with Quasimodo. Go swimming with TheGill Man.

This one is a throw-back to the horror genre. The late Vincent Price once told me, "It's become harder and harder to scare people. We still rely on the basic elements of fear: snakes, rats, claustrophobia." Too bad Vince didn't live to see this one. Never mind about Transylvania, or the Bates Motel. Pontiac, Michigan just might turn out to be the scariest place on earth come October 20th.

Maybe they should hold this one in a phone booth. The O.K. Corral. O.J. Simpson's doorstep might be appropriate. Look, someone's missing the boat here because they should have billed it "A Fight to the Finish!" Fight until one man drops. That's the way it will end anyway. Only one man will be standing at the end. Two human battering rams. This fight has as much of a chance of going the distance as a naked blonde in a lumber camp.

Of course, this all depends on which Andrew Golota shows up. Will it be the Andrew Golota who ran up a streak of 25 KO's before losing to Riddick Bowe on two successive disqualifications in 1996, or will it be the Golota who quit against Michael Grant. Folded like a beach umbrella against Lennox Lewis on October 4, 1997.

The same Mike Tyson usually shows up. We don't have to worry about that. It's Golota we have to wonder about. His courage is in question here. He has a tendency to be intimidated. Mike is a master of intimidation. This alone could make for a fight as one-sided as the electric chair.

If you were to believe Golota's camp, the big man will stop Tyson within 5 rounds. Keep the mother running, I'll be right back. Many fight fans are wondering if Golota will even show up. They never really forgave him for quitting against Grant or folding against Lewis. Fight fans hate quitters the way a bull hates a sword and a cape. Or Dracula hated sunlight. There was no sign of a quitter in Rocky Marciano, Joe Louis, Larry Holmes, Carmen Basilio, to say nothing of Tony Zale and Rocky Graziano.They were the heart and soul of boxing.

Let's rewind the tape to Oct. 1, 1997. The Chicagoan-by-way-of-Poland had just come off two straight disqualification losses to Riddick Bowe. In both fights the 6' 4" Golota was well ahead on the judges' scorecards when he was disqualified for throwing too many punches below the border. Bowe left the ring looking like something found in a Greek ruin. A casualty of war. Golota's punishment was to be treated like the Kohinoor diamond. He got a title shot against World Boxing Council champion Lennox Lewis. Even Golota's trainer couldn't believe it. "How lucky can we be to get this fight?" Lou Duva said. Duva blamed Golota's Hyde-side for repeatedly hitting Bowe low. Now he said Golota's losses to Bowe had made him a more cautious fighter. "Golota will be fighting two guys when he meets Lewis," said the garrulous trainer. "Lennox Lewis, and a fellow he's fighting named Andrew Golota to make sure he doesn't stray. We can tell him, we can holler, but it's the fighter himself. He's gotta know whats right and whats wrong."

Guys on death row knew what was right and what was wrong.

Lewis' trainer, Emanuel Stewart, explained Golota this way: "I think Golota himself cannot explain it. When he's in a stressful situation, in trouble, he loses it. He loses it mentally, and automatically resorted to butting, biting and resorting to low blows. If he wants to fight dirty, I say take the referee out of the ring and let them go at it. Lennox can take care of himself."

THE FIGHT: At the bell Lewis begins sticking and jabbing with his long left. Golota stays out of range, not throwing a punch. He swings, but misses. Lewis lands a solid left-right. Golota paws with his jab but doesn't connect. They clinch. Golota looks like he's sleepwalking. Lewis lands a hard right that stuns Golota. He lands another right. Golota goes down. He's up, but on wobbly legs. Lewis comes in for the kill, firing away with lefts and rights. Golota is down again. It's over! Time:1:35 seconds of the first round.

My honeymoon lasted longer. Merry Olde England hadn't been that happy since James Figg became the first on a long line of British prize ring champions. An exemplar of their breed, Don Cocknell, once fought Rocky Marciano and, when Cockell's manager objected to a smaller ring and wanted a 20-footer, the columnist, Bugs Baer, wondered in print, "Why? His man's not that tall?"

Struggling to escape the ghosts of the past, Golota (33-3) said he wanted to take on Mike Tyson immediately after he beat 41-year-old Jesse Ferguson ( 26-18), who was a late substitute for Jimmy Thunder, who tore an Achilles' tendon in training. The promotional possibilities were a promoter's dream: Tyson, the Dracula-like ear-muncher who was banned for one year from boxing, against Golota, the low-blow expert who had bitten Sampson Po'Uha on the neck before knocking him out in the fifth round of their May 16, 1995 fight, and billy-goated Danell Nicholson repeatedly before stopping him in 8 rounds on March 15, 1996.

"People have to realize that boxing is a rough business," says Golota. "Everyone fouls. Even Holyfield. He butted Tyson in both their fights. Sometimes, you do things just to survive. But I'm not as bad as Tyson. He spit out his mouthpiece and bit Holyfield on purpose." True, comparing Golota, to Tyson would be like comparing him to Jeffery Dahmer; taking a chunk out of someone's ear doesn't look so wicked weighed against an act of outright cannibalism.

Born in Warsaw, Poland, Golota started fighting at the age of 13. He racked up seven Polish National Championships during his 111 amateur wins, including a silver medal at the 1985 World Junior Championships, a gold medal at the 1986 European Championships and a bronze medal at the 1987 European Championships. In 1988, he won the bronze medal at the Olympic Games in Seoul, Korea. In 1991, Golota, and his lovely wife, Mariola, relocated from Poland to Chicago, her hometown. While pondering a position as a truck driver, Golota was referred to the Windy City Gym by a amateur boxing official who handled his immigration. Windy City owner Bob O'Donnell took Golota under his wing. Although Golota did not speak English, the two somehow communicated until Golota studied English with a tutor. In 1992, Golota disposed of Roosevelt Shuler in three rounds, then ran up an astonishing streak of victories (mostly 1 round kayos). If he proved anything, he proved he had the natural ability and power to dominate the heavyweight division.

His record was 10-0 with 8 knockouts when he joined forces with Roger Bloodworth and Lou Duva. These two veterans of ring wars convinced him to abandoned his "straight-up European style." His fight with 290 pound Samson Po'Uha, considered the biggest puncher in the heavyweight division at the time, was a pier-six brawl. So thorough and masterly a job did Golota perform, that the thousands who had come in expectation of seeing Po'Uha put another opponent asleep sat dumfounded watching the so-called Executioner executed. Po'Uha was dropped five times and Golota became the new "Superman of Boxing."

In 1996, legendary trainer Emanuel Steward's tough young protege Donnell Nicholson was the victim of Golota's vicious blows before 3, 500 screaming Polish fans chanting "Andrej! Andrej!" Battered and bruised, his face a mass of purple grapes, the fight was mercifully stopped in the 8th. This set the stage for a showdown with Bowe.

On June 16, 2000, Golota decisioned Orlin Norris in 10. The fists of Golota hammered Norris in a manner that left no doubt about his superiority. It was a stirring and final tune-up for Mike Tyson. This fight COULD be the mother lode of boxing or it COULD be the embezzler who took a plane to Rio with the bank receipts. The preacher who absconded with a widows and orphans funds. I see it that way. I see a strong and fast Mike Tyson administering the quietus early to a frightened Andrew Golota.

But for as long as it lasts, you gotta love it! Dempsey-Firpo. Hearns-Hagler. Zale-Graziano. A barroom brawl at 2 a.m. All offense. Overpowering stuff. The bombing of Rotterdam all over again. Rosary beads rustle all over Poland.
What more do you want? *******

A Bit About Bill Kelly