What would you say was the biggest spoofery ever to insult the intelligence of the American people?

The O.J. Simpson trial? The Douglas-Holyfield caper? Don King? Dan White's "Twinkie" defense? The Jerry Springer Show?

How about the Rubin Hurricane Carter heist?

For its sheer audacity, this facre pales all the aforementioned by comparison. You have to believe you've stumbled into Alice's Wonderland. Check your stub to see if your in the right theater. Turn the lights on a pickpocket stole my wallet!

The trouble is, the average theatre-goer is as gullible Snow White. They bite the apple every time. They write letters to Lassie and Trigger and expect an autographed picture. They send death threats to John Carradine for shooting Jesse James. They stalk Jerry Lewis and make his life a living hell. Send letters to Perry Mason asking if he will defend them in a murder case.

Give me a break. There was enough credible evidence to convict Carter of two triple murders. He got out of prison only because a liberal judge saw two skimpy errors that kept him awake at nights. Take a sleeping pill, judge. Liberals! We need judges like Isaac Parker. Mills Lane. No-nonsense guys who won't back down from a fight. John Wayne.

A black prosecutor and an eyewitness said Carter fired a shotgun into the back of a defenseless man and into the body of a terrified mother of four. Twenty-four jurors, including two blacks, agreed.

Rewind the tape. Joey Giardello successfully defended his middleweight crown against Carter back in 1964. He beat Carter easily. The film depicted a racist, hometown decision. Tell 'um Joey: "Ask anyone who was there. I beat him easy. Once he got past the seventh round and he realized he couldn't win, he stopped fighting. I couldn't even tell you how hard he hit, because he never hit me a single shot."

Sure you did Joey. But that was no surprise. You beat guys like Tiger Jones, Sugar Ray Robinson, Chico Vegar, Dick Tiger, Holly Mims, Billy Graham. Guys who ate shredded wheat without milk. Out of 40 pro scraps Carter lost 12 fights to guys who were the Secret Service of boxing. You could win "Jeopardy" if you can remember them. Joey was 35 and at the tail end of a 19-year, 133-fight career. Carter was 28 and at the beginning of a 7-7-1 slide.

If you believe Hurricane's story about himself, then you will believe that Don King donates to the Widows and Orphans Fund. Or Don Knotts was a serial killer. Or Charlie Sheen amuses himself drinking milk and reading books. It's the same old story. Ho-hum-another farce about a Justice system run by perverse demons whose greatest delight is beating up guys like Rodney King. Sure there are bad cops, but everyone in prison isn't innocent either. If you believe Tinseltown the cops have framed more people than Norman Rockwell. Help! Get me Johnny Cochran. Sister Helen Prejean. Cousin Vinnie.

If Rubin was framed then Jeffery Dahlmar was a vegetarian. Carter failed his 1966 lie detector test. The conclusion: "After a careful analysis of the polygraph record of the subject it is the opinion of the examiner that this subject was attempting deception to all the pertinent questions. And was involved in this crime."

In August 1975 reporters Cal Deal and Jim Lanaras asked Rubin Carter to take another lie detector test. "Carter vehemently and steadfastly refuses," Deal wrote. "I went into this interview leaning in Carter's favor, but his refusal to take the lie test was troubling and raised the first real doubts in my mind about his innocence."

61-year-old Carolyn Kelley was working as a bailbonds woman in 1975 when Muhammad Ali asked her to get involved in his effort to spring Carter. She devoted a year of her life to raising funds to get him a new trial. On March 17, 1976, Carter was free on bail to await a second trial.

Listen to Carolyn: "I didn't see it coming. I felt everything getting dark. I remember praying to Allah, 'Please help me,' and apparently Allah rolled me over, and he kicked me in the back instead of kicking my guts out. Allah saved my life."

Carolyn's son and members of Carter's entourage rushed into the room. "My mother was laying on her back, Michael said. "She was laying on the floor, near the door; she was in a fetal position with her back to the door. I was ready to get a weapon that I had at my disposal. I was going to go to jail that night."

Instead he flew her home to Newark. She was given oxygen by flight attendants. Carolyn again: "Rubin used to tell me time and again. 'You've met Rubin and you know Carter, but you've never met the Hurricane. The Hurricane's bad. The Hurricane's mean."

"He's right. I know the eye of the Hurricane nobody knows. It is a frightening thing, and unless something is done, somebody else is going to get hurt."

Jerry Minnick, Carter's bodyguard, said he thought the fight was over a piece of paper "like a schedule, or like that." He said when he asked Carter about it, the Hurricane blowed, "Don't mention that, my mind's on what I'll be doing at the fight tonight!"

Unfortunately, society holds its icons to a higher standard of morality than it does the working class. It holds vigils for killers, but you or I better not get caught jay walking. Double parking.

You get a mental picture of a sweet young daughter bringing home the Hurricane to meet daddy. Faster than Don King switches sides, he packs her off to a convent school. Siberia. Western Samona. The highwaters of the Nile.

Let's hope Denzel Washington doesn't accept the Academy Award if it is offered. If he has any decency at all, he will send Marlon Brando dressed like Tonto with a speech about the injustice of it all. *****

Oh yeah, FYI: Hurricane reportedly makes $10,000 each time he speaks before a group while touring the county.

A Bit About Bill Kelly