When I think of gambling I think of Las Vegas, Reno, Atlantic City, Monaco, but definitely not Nova Scotia. It isn't a place where you would think of anyone trying to set gaming precedence. But when I read the following story I was certainly frightened that a larger gaming community with something as crazy as moral character in a gambling establishment might get a hold of this concept and run with it, and by doing so run the entire gambling community right into the ground.

The idea is called "SMART MACHINES" but what I call it is little brothers watching you, psychoanalyzing you while you play. The idea is that since people can't control their gambling problems, the machines will do it for you.

Here's what happens; when you've been playing a machine for thirty minutes a small pop-up reminder comes up on the screen reminding you that you've been playing for 30 minutes. After 60 minutes the entire screen pops up a reminder that you've been playing for 60 minutes and the reminder stays up for one minute locking the machine out during that time. After 90 minutes the same reminder comes up for a minute and a half, and then after 120 minutes the reminder shuts the machine down for two minutes. Then after 150 minutes the machine automatically shuts down completely and cashes you out and your session is over.

Since you must use a player's identification card to play in Nova Scotia you have to pay taxes on jackpots of anything over $500, the government knows at the end of the year exactly how much you gambled, won and or lost. They know what machines you're addicted to, how much time you spend at the machines, and they even know what days and times you played in case you might have a run in with the law, or some cranky employer who wants to know if you were really at home sick with the flu or at the casinos sick with a poker machine.

The spokesperson for the Nova Scotia Gaming Corporation was quoted as saying "We want to assist our players in playing responsibly. We know we're going to take some knocks for it, but then again, we've received some interest from community groups interested in this technology." Which to me means some bitch from Southern California read the same article and called them telling them she wants to save the problem gamblers in her community.

But what they don't tell you is the technology isn't just stopping there. Those little pop-up devices have more to them than just knowing how long you've been playing at a particular machine. The machines of the future may hold many more surprises.

One technology is a glucose-blood pressure monitor that has sensors in the buttons. It takes a glucose reading when you push a button as well as your blood pressure through your ass when you sit down. It can read the alcohol content of your blood as well. It can tell you when you've had too much to drink and if you don't cut yourself off it alerts the cocktail waitress to start watering down your drinks…no wait, they do that anyway. Well…it certainly can tell if you're eating too many donuts if your glucose level goes up over three percent. It can tell if you're smoking with an odor detector and pop up little ads for Nicotrol, as well as Listerine if you need to gargle, and maybe an ad for deodorant if you really push the meter. It will have a scale on the chair and along with a height detector can put a pop up ad for a weight loss program if you're a little pudgy and if you put on any weight while you're playing it can shut down the machine until you do a half mile on the tread mill which will be attached to each machine.

This all sounds like out takes from Westworld meets Oceans 11, but one fact is that the smart chips are already in use. In a few casinos like the Aladdin and the Bellagio and Ceasars' already use tracking chips in their ultra high denomination checks like the $10,000 chips and higher. These chips cannot be removed from the high-limit salons without an alarm sounding. Each check has its own identification number so if it was to be stolen the chip would be cancelled at the cage and thus be worthless.

Slot machines are already being made to accept ATM cards. This is the most dangerous of all the moves these guys are making in the name of progress. Sitting at a poker machine with a couple of cocktails while draining your checking account is absolutely the last straw. This will surely raise the ire of all the morality groups as well as the banking community. The fact that many of the credit card companies already disallow the use of their credit cards to any online gambling companies, how they will approach this undetermined as of now, but if they let it pass without a whimper the term "gambling addiction" will have to be addressed in all the bankruptcy courts since the line to declare bankruptcy will be longer than a Moscow toilet paper line.

In the long run the bottom line is we're all supposed to be responsible for our gambling habits, but just ask any cigarette smoker to put down that cigarette and quit forever just because it's bad for them.

I can still recall the time brochures were handed out to all the dealers. On the brochure were tips for spotting problem gamblers and how to help them. It told us to approach the subject delicately but to suggest the person may have a gambling problem and suggest a telephone number they could call to get help. I don't know if the dealers got a bigger laugh than the players did who saw the brochures, but the one and only time I took it seriously when a guy blew $12,000 at our tables then asked to borrow $20 from the dealers for gas money to get home. Four of us gave him $5 each and the asshole took the $20 and walked to the crap table and blew it on one roll of the dice. When I told him at the table he might have a gambling problem, his answer was "Yah, I have a gambling problem, I'm broke and I WANNA GAMBLE!! You're goddamn right I have a problem!!!

-Ken Pearlman