Why anyone thinks they have to come to Vegas and BEAT the town is beyond me. You go to Hawaii, pay for the room, pay for the meals, pay to put on a grass hula dress and a coconut bra to embarrass the shit out of yourself along with a hefty price for Poi and Pig and when it's all over you're left with a sun tan, big red rings around your boobs, and a big bill PERIOD.

You get the rolls of film and a box of coconut candy to bring home with you (you better destroy the pictures of you and the coconut bra pal!) And that's it. You can't ask the hotel manager to discount the room or take some meals off the bill because you've spent so much already, You can't ask for the money back for the hula lessons when you realized NO ONE IN AMERICA DOES THE GODDAMN HULA PAL!! You're not going to get any free drinks anywhere, for any reason, in fact, you're not going to get ANYTHING free and you're not going to get ANYTING AT ALL after 2am unless the girl you just brought to the island for free is just drunk enough to give you some.

But when you come to Las Vegas you not only have the choice to gamble or not, how much you're going to risk, but you can ask and receive things "free" just for the asking, or so they would lead you to believe.

Years ago a psychologist by the name of B.F.Skinner ran tests with rats. He would set up a machine with food or some reward in it. The rat would press a bar and receive a treat. When he took the reward away, eventually the rat would stop pushing the bar. But if you gave the reward intermittently, the rats would push the bar and stick their noses in the slot waiting for the possible reward all day long. Now you know the simple psychology behind Las Vegas. Show them a picture of a reward, any reward is fine, give it to them intermittently (called a random number generator) and they'll play all day if they think they might get a reward.

But something else Skinner found was if you put a couple rats in the same cage with only one button, the rats will fight to push the button first. Thus… the psychology behind slot machines. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you guys are all rats, but to quote the great Curly Howard " MOE, LARRY, CHEESE, MOE, LARRY, CHEESE, ARF, ARF."

Although I spend much of my time dealing, I spend just as much time directing people to their favorite slot machines, and the inevitable question many ask is "Where are your 98% payback machines?" or "Which ones are the hot machines?" Now you guys know me and you know I never answer an easy question with a simple answer. ("Where's your bathroom?" " Uh, ya turn right, go forty miles and get off at Sahara East, ya go down 6 blocks, the key's under the mat, make sure ya lock the door when you're done, AND WASH YOUR HANDS" and that's where I usually loose them.)

But when they ask where the 98% machines are, I usually tell them "they're all 98% machines, guaranteed to take at least 2 cents of every dollar ya put in, give or take 97%" "Our machines pay back 98%" will get enormous play when what they're really saying is the casino is more than happy to take ONLY 2% or more of your money every time, $100 will pay back $98 the $98 will get you $96 and so on until they get the whole $100, $2 at a time.

But that's not good enough for them so they go at you with familiarity, Family Feud machines, Wheel of Fortune machines, and Elvis machines. If they can't get you because you grew up in the 50's or 60's, they'll get you for growing up in the 70's, 80's and they're working on the 90's right now. The idea that machines are hot is like saying the '67 Firebirds were faster than the '67 Camaro's (the same car), the fact is it was all in the mechanic.

I've seen people play and hit three, four times in a day, doesn't matter which machine they play, what time of day, or what denomination, they're just plain lucky. Others line up with the latest "How To Beat The Machines" books in hand and a $100 bill and ten minutes later they're asking directions to the ATM machine, then the nearest book store to return their copy and try another one. But they also don't expect to win, they just want to get the hell out of the house, it's the weekend, and they got a little extra money, don't bother them, just get them a free drink and a hand full of change and give it to them with a smile and they're in heaven.

They're not looking for the closest Indian casino to home; they want to get AWAY from home. The fact that more and more Las Vegans spend their weekends anywhere BUT Las Vegas, anywhere BUT a casino, is a fact. If I could, I would set up an exchange program where people that want to spend the weekend in Vegas could exchange house keys with the people from Las Vegas that want to go anywhere but Vegas for their weekend.

But along with all the Discovery Channel programs on Las Vegas comes more and more familiarity with the town. More people that come here know something about the town before they get here and already have a good idea where they want to go and how much they're willing to spend on entertainment. They already know the Rio buffet is the best and drinks at O'Shea's the cheapest, the FREE shows at Treasure Island and Bellagio are a must, and to steer clear of the Barbary Coast without major flea protection (what are fleas?....) The gambling is often just a small percentage of their entertainment allotment and with the growing prices of rooms, food, and shows, less and less money is going to pure gambling and the casinos are caught in the middle trying to decide how to divvy up the same amount of money when their departments call for more and more money to run them properly.

Do they tighten up the machines (since the slot machines are the only place they can set a larger percentage of profit without the players being wise to the rise in profit margin, if they raise the price of rooms or food or drinks, everyone knows it, but if they tighten up the machines it's not noticeable in black and white.) They could raise the table minimums but then people just don't sit down, they can raise the price of rooms or food but then they just stay somewhere else, eat their meals at McDonalds and keep a six pack of Coronas in the cooler in the room and use the elevator a lot, and keep the extra money they would have spent on your food for gambling probably somewhere else.

The word spreads like wildfire, especially in Las Vegas. Spend an hour at McCarren airport and listen to the conversation; the people-leaving towns are walking billboards to the people coming into town. "So how'd ya do? " "Well, we lost a little but that's ok, but I'll never stay at the Stardust again, the food sucks and the drinks are watered down." Then you'll hear them reply "Well, so we'll just pass on the Stardust and check out the Riviera instead."

I recently got free tickets to a blues show at the House of Blues, the band that was there (I liked them so I won't mention the name) was booked for the two-day weekend. I got tickets for the Sunday night show, Saturday was standing room only, but by the time I got there, I already got three bad reviews of the show. "They don't sound like their records." "The lead singer can't hit the notes anymore." and "The sound guy was so stoned he accidentally plugged in his CD player to the soundboard and played 10 minutes of Led Zepplin by mistake instead of the band."

But the price was right, but I got there and half the seats were empty, the sound guy was asleep on the sound board, and the lead singer was still drinking in the bar downstairs as the first set started. By the end of the concert, only the porters and cocktail waitress were still awake through the last 10 minute guitar solo which ended when the lead player accidentally unplugged the guitar and just said "screw it, we're outta here."

So what we inevitably find is that you should listen to some of the talk, people aren't stupid, they can't be taken every time, and they really do just wanna have fun. You don't have to promise them what you know you can't deliver, they don't need to hear that they're going to get 100% of their money back, they just want to know when they spend their money, they'll get 100% satisfaction on their money spent.

Oh yah, and don't forget, tip the dealers! Remember, at the end of your life, every dollar you have left over could have gone to ME. And I guarantee 100% satisfaction on all your money!

-Ken Pearlman