It was 1981 when my girlfriend and I, living together in a small mountain town in Colorado called Telluride, decided it was too expensive to live there in winter and moved on to San Francisco. I had left Chicago only a year and a half earlier, so when the Bears came to the Bay to crap on the 49ers, I had to go to the game. I needed to see something from Chicago and I was a huge Walter Payton fan so I donned my #34 Payton jersey and we bought the tickets, which back then was just walk up to the window on game day and pay the $15 to get a seat in the nosebleed section then at halftime move down to the lower box seats.

The seats they gave me were probably a joke when they saw my Payton Bears jersey and put me in the 49ers section. We had a few beers, cheered when the Bears scored, no problem, booed when they got bad calls, no problem. We had a great time, the Bears won of course and Payton was everything I wanted to fulfill my hopes and the 49er fans acted like we were just a couple of people in t-shirts and blue jeans and everything was fun.

Now let's go ahead to the present. I'm a Cubs fan; my whole family is White Sox fans but we all suffer, no matter what side of Chicago you love best. Chicagoans don't go to a Cubs game to see baseball, they go to Cubs games to experience Wrigley Field, the most awesome of all ball parks I've been in and I've been in quite a few. But no matter how many times you visit Wrigley Field, when you walk up the stairs to the field level, see the ivy-covered walls, the red brick walls, the old scoreboard, everything just sends goose bumps every time. But that's not the only reason.

There's the magical three letter word that sends Cubs fans, and now all sports fans into fervor after maybe half way through the game. The three letter word? B*U*D. One of the first terms a Cubs fan learns is the three words, "YO, BUD HERE" and the guy with the big Budweiser box comes over, pops the beer can , pours it into a cup and he's off. Pass the beer across, pass the money back and you're good for another 20 minutes.

Now I'm not a drinker; I used to be a lush until I woke up in the median crossing Sahara Blvd. Somehow I was just lucky enough to make it half way, no further, no shorter. When the traffic picked up around 8 am, I woke and I couldn't believe I made it. It would have been two bumps and the next thing would be a particle board casket. I was also a big smoker and gambler and I knew by then I had to quit. Easier said than done, of course. How do you quit smoking and drinking and gambling overnight? The answer is you don't. You tackle one problem at a time. It's like weaning a baby off a tit. You give him less and less until it's a done deal.

The first thing is that you have to first consider moving out of Las Vegas. Not that there's gambling in about every state in the union but if they're far enough away you might have a chance. When you have to get in a car to go gamble it helps to find something you hate about the casino near you and find something so far away that rather than make the drive every other day you'll make it every two weeks or more. The next thing to do is rather than walking into the casino and starting right at the tables, walk into the restaurant and have a good size meal. This will slow down you gambling speed and when the buffet hits the intestines, go home rather than use the casino bathroom. Sounds stupid, but it works.

Walk directly to the nickel machines, not the quarters or dollars or even the penny machines, the penny machines cost more to play than the nickel machines. Leave the credit cards and ATM cards at home, leave the cash at home and don't walk out the door with more than $100, and that will soon become $75 then $50 as you get bored of gambling. Of course the best thing to do is find another hobby and stick to that, video machines, photography, painting. You see, the problem with gambling is, although the small insignificant wins will make you feel ok, most of all hands are losses so it just makes sense that you're always going to feel worse at the casinos than better unless God blesses you with a big win. Break the hundreds into $5 and $10 bills so you won't be pushing $20s and $50s in the machines. Give every machine a certain amount of play, quit thinking each machine play is getting you closer to the big win. The big win could happen in years. Start with $5 bets in the machines then quit the machine if you lose.

At the tables look at the players and their bankrolls. Are they smiling, shouting, having a great time, do they have stacks of checks? Then give that table a play. If the table looks quiet, depressed, people looking pissed off just stay away, it doesn't mean you won't or can't win at that table, it just means you won't have a good time. And that's another point, get friendlier with the dealer than the players, the players don't know what's going on, it doesn't necessarily mean the dealers does either, but it's like getting friendly with the dentist. Why? Because maybe he'll be gentler than any other dentist, so get the dealer to like you, it probably won't make a difference but it can't hurt.

So start with your first win and toke the dealer the first time possible and keep it coming. If a dealer beats you, quit tipping him, although it's not his fault you lost, but he doesn't expect a tip with you're losing. When it's time to leave, if you're a winner toke the guy again because if you're not done gambling you'll probably run into the dealer again, and you'll notice that when the dealers tap out to clear their hands they'll usually point to the best tokers at the table. And that starts the new dealer on your side. Slowly you'll find other things to do, small things at first and then enough to quit gambling.

How does Caesars spend over a billion dollars, how does the Venetian spend over $2 billion, Wynn spend even more? Where does all that money come from? You don't need the answer to that just spread your gambling time longer, make your bets smaller and eventually, God forbid you should find a relationship with a fine person that will keep you home and away from the casinos.

Las Vegas is a sad town, a depressing town because people rarely hook up for more than sex overnight. And people at work rarely get together, why? I don't know but it's life in Vegas. When I came out in '81 I thought I'd be getting laid every night, I'd be in a relationship in no time and be married with kids, but then you find out that most of the people you meet are from out of town, or they work different shifts. If you're a dealer it's not the most desirable job, so other dealers aren't so interested in hooking up with a dealer, a pit boss or shift boss maybe, but she knows she's not going to be getting rich dealing unless you're in a top notch casino. Often dealers get jealous with the other dealers because they have to watch them flirt with the customers to make a buck. That's your primer in how to quit gambling.

Now there's smoking. I'm going to give you a way to stop smoking, guaranteed if you follow my directions. Buy yourself a jar of dill pickles, I SAID DILL PICKLES. Eat the pickles and make sure they're Kosher because they spice them better. Take the jar with the pickle juice left over and even squeeze some of the pickles in the jar. Then every time you finish a cigarette don't smoke it more than 2/3 way and throw the butt in the pickle jar. After a week whenever you want a cigarette open the pickle jar and sniff it deeply. Sniff it a few times then if you want a cigarette light one up and I guarantee you after a week or two you'll only take one or two drags, then after a month you'll never smoke again. Something in the combination of the pickle brine and cigarette butts will leave a taste in your mouth that will make you sick enough that you'll never smoke again. My grandmother got the whole family to quit in the early 70's and none of us ever smoked again.

Drinking, now that's hard, very hard, I almost learned the hard way and if I had a sure cure I'd be a billionaire. But there are a few things that will help. One beer is the same alcohol as a shot of whisky so don't think you can manage it with beers rather than whisky, the only advantage is it fills you up faster, what's the problem with that? Drinking whiskey will make you hungry and you're more likely to eat and that will help some, beer will just fill you up and depending on how much you can drink you'll probably get drunker drinking beer than whisky. Drink light beers and get a glass of ice with the beer that will add water to the beer and cut it down some. But the only real cure is quitting cold turkey. But try a doctor and ask about the injections you can get that will act like pickle brine and cigarette butts, the taste will leave such a bad flavor in your mouth you will quit.

The last thing is women. 99% of the women in this town are there to hustle the guys. Free drinks, free food, drugs, maybe a free anything they get free in this town if she's good looking enough and the guy's rich and horny. They walk the table looking for who has the most checks and that's where they start, but you better be damn good-looking and the first $10 grand you have you better invest it in two new tits. Go to a nice spa, get rub downs, facials, then get a professional to do your make-up, seriously, most girls don't know how to put their makeup on like a pro and it makes a big difference. That means when you walk up to the guy with the chips he'll turn around, look at you, and won't be able to play again, he'll invite you over to play with his money, free meals, champagne, then give him a nice kiss, excuse yourself to the bathroom and take a hike (if that's what you want to do). Oh yeah, make sure you don't try the hustle in the same hotel you're staying at.

And to the guys, STAY AWAY. Your chances of getting laid are maybe 10% and when you wake up in the morning it ain't gonna look so good, you gotta ditch the girl or vice-versa, and go on to the next day. All I can say is be nice, as stupid as it sounds, women having sex give up 100% more than the guys does, so keep it in mind: breakfast in the morning, champagne and orange juice cocktail than tell her you have to go to the bathroom and make sure you have a change of clothes. But don't think for a minute that a relationship is going to flourish in Las Vegas. They have drive-up wedding chapels right across the street from the drive-up divorce places and sometimes that's how it happens.

Exchange numbers if you live close together, but if you live far away from each other just enjoy your time together and leave it at that; long term relationships don't work. I lived in Las Vegas and my wife to be was only 300 miles away in Long Beach, Ca. and although we made a go of it for five years we both knew it wouldn't work, not even 300 miles away, she would go almost every weekend to visit her sister and mom and dad, of course they never came to Vegas, the bills kept adding up. When I had a chance to learn to be a first rate diamond setter in Chicago by a guy with one of the best reputations in the US and after three months she got on a plane to Long Beach, another three months and back again until we couldn't afford it and she moved back to Long Beach for good.

Leave the relationships at home. There's nothing wrong with the girl next door, except as soon as I introduced myself to her the first thing she asked is if I'd like to go across the street for a drink and play some video poker, hard to believe. Now I see her often with different guys getting what she wants. I mean she doesn't have a job, her mom and sister send her money but not much, yet every few nights she's coming home drunk with a to-go box from a restaurant and usually buzzed on something.

Shit, now that I think about it I should have been born a girl in Las Vegas, the only thing you have to pay for is a mini-skirt and a boob job. Not too much to ask for if you're getting Spagos for a snack or lunch from a guy you just glanced at. Anyone know how much the boobs are? I can always get a padded bra, although I'll have to work on my 'LOVE OBLIQUES", whatever the fuck a love oblique is.

Ken Pearlman