DISCOVERING LAS VEGAS or DON'T TOSS THAT DWARF AWAY, HAND HIM OVER TO ME

Where are the scientists? Where's the geneaologists? Where the hell's the Discovery Channel when you need them? It's an earth-shattering discovery and I believe they only exist in Las Vegas. Although once thought to be made up entirely of tourists, there have been locals spotted there too. They live on the "safety islands" in the middle of Las Vegas Blvd. To scientists, they're known as "Islandus-Allaloneus". They're often hard to spot, although they do stand out in headights, when someone actually manages a U-Turn on Las Vegas Blvd, but they do go unnoticed by "stripwalkers" (another really strange breed, scientists still can't figure out a definition) who are either smart enough or scared enough to stay on ther side of the street. Some do venture across the walk-over bridges at Tropicana and Flamingo although few have had the nerve to stop mid-stream and look over the edge. Besides, these people who exist on the safety-islands are quite elusive and stay hidden anong the palm trees and bushes, however they can easily be seen at a sprinkler head taking water at sunset, or catching the free show at Treasure Isand. Some have been seen peeking out of the bushes during a rare traffic lull and looking longingly at what only looks like a few feet to freedom just across the street, however they know it's a world of hurt if they try it and fail. The constant stream of taxis and limos, CAT buses, SUV'S, SUB'S. HUMMER V'S, HARVEYS RV (that's just a free plug) and various species of Southern Californian known as "driverus shitamongus" who although being wiped out in their home state by their Asian cousin "driverus dontgiveashitamongus" and their other cousin from just south of the border "driverus pendejas mexicanamongus" who although are taking their toll on the californians, go virtually undetected in Las Vegas. Some have been spotted still wearing polyester and still in their original "I Love Sinatra At The Sands comeback tour of '96" when they first began widening the strip and people on either side were never to be seen or heard from their loved ones again (unless you've got a cell phone and a VISA card). But how I found them is another story. It was a Friday night around 9:30 pm I was on the east side of Las Vegas Blvd. and made the near-fatal mistake of deciding to visit a friend at the Monte Carlo, on the west side of the Strip. If I wanted to be on the other side of the Strip on a Fridy night, I would either have to start on Thursday (a week ago Thursday) or actually have been born on the west side. Now this wouldn't have been so bad, but then the only way to see the east side of the Strip would be the midnight flight out of Las Vegas to East Las Vegas (which makes frequent flyer stops in North Las Vegas). But what was really foolish, is I decided to make this crossing between Flamingo and Tropicana where no lights exist, no phony crosswalks (the ones that flash you the "walk" sign (also know as the "sucker" sign) than flash you the "don't walk" sign (also known as "you a dead man sucker") sign when you're exactly 51/100's of the way across the street also known to pilots and women in labor as the "point of no return". So I lept off the safety of the sidewalk (as if) a good 6 inch vertical leap (me and Charles Barkley) and began my death run across the Strip. I ran with my eyes closed and my hands held out to either feel: A) the other side of the street where a free slot pull still wins you the same brand spankin' new 1975 two door AMC Gremlin (NO it still hasn't been hit, or were these people really "taking the money instead of the car" option all along? B) the hand of God, or 3) that Chevy Lumina aiming at me since the last successful U-turn on the Strip began way back in the spring of '97 and completed in the winter of last year. The first thing I felt was a palm tree, a flood light and a voice from behind the light saying "you're safe here in the light" and although I was hoping to touch either the hand of God or that "free" slot machine handle, what I got was a tourist that had tried the same thing in the winter of '98 and like me, only made it half way and was too chicken to try for the other half. So I decided to stay safely and probably forever, on the island (yes I'm e-mailing you from my lap top tapped into the "76 Station phoneline "excuse me, can you toss me the Men's room key in case I do make it across.) After some soul searching for once I saw clarity in my life. I too would live my years out there on the "Island" with the hundreds of people who like me are waiting for the "Second Coming", or for Steve Wynn to find us and thus become a new financial base in Las Vegas and eventually after searching out and sucking every available dollar from us and seeing as there is no where else to build a new casino (at least not adjacent to the Treasure Island-Mirage-Bellagio complex (damn Caesar's Palace always getting in Wynn's way (the next name for the strip "Wynn's Way"), word has it Wynn will build a new casino in the "safety Islands" although only one room wide, will run 8 blocks long and 2,000 stories high, with a new show - "The Las Vegas Blvd Eruption" (also known as Steve's Heave) based on the Mirage theme, will blow a different hotel/casino up every hour until there is none left, than begin to blow the street itself up, where huge cracks of the Strip will open like an erupting volcano spewing real hot volcanic ash for miles in all directions (hey, you gotta spend money to make money) actually engulfing hundreds of disposable cars and tourists (are there any other kind?) and depositing them downtown in front of the Golden Nugget site of the "downtown resurrection" that has been going on since 1987 (remember, he ownes that too) or dumping them back in front of Treasure Island, just in time to catch the pirate show. As Steve put it himself "we will re-build Las Vegas the "Bellagio Way" one hotel and casino at a time".

But all we ask is one thing "Steve, can't we just get a little longer WALK sign? at least so we can get to "YOUR SIDE"......

Thank you,

Kenny Pearlman Wynn---Uh - Las Vegas, Nevada