I AM WAITING...

I AM WAITING for a rebirth of innocence to sweep Las Vegas

I AM WAITING for nickel slot machines to pay off big when I'm playing.

I AM WAITING for ANY slot machine to pay off big when I'm playing.

I AM WAITING for Megabucks to hit for someone who REALLY needs it.(who the hell DOES need $24 million bucks? (what you got your eye on some cute little third world country?)

I AM WAITING to get on stage at a Danny Gans concert and show him what a $75 ticket's REALLY worth.

I AM WAITING for the talent director from Caesar's Palace to call.

I AM WAITING for ANYONE to call!!

I AM WAITING for a Las Vegas lounge act with an UGLY girl who can REALLY sing(I don't even care if she IS wearing a blue sparkley dress)

I AM WAITING for a Las Vegas lounge act with ANYONE who can really sing.

I AM WAITING for Oscar Goodman to get caught doing SOMETHING wrong(ya know he is,he just hasn't gotten caught yet.)

I AM WAITING for Ted Binion to come back from the dead and take care of Sandy and Rick himself.

I AM WAITING for Benny Binion to come back from the dead,see what the corporate boys have done to this town,and have a shootout with Steve Wynn during the pirate show at Treasure Island,with the t.v.rights going to rebuild the Silver Slipper in the parking lot where it once stood.(and don't forget the deli)

I AM WAITING for Steve Wynn to get caught in one of his traffic jams in front of Treasure Island during the pirate show.

I AM WAITING for John Lennon to return for one last Beatles reunion,with Elvis as the warm-up act.(oh yah,and for John to admit he was the Walrus,and that he really did hate Yoko as much as the rest of us.)

I AM WAITING for Yoko Ono to just go away (and take Richard Simmons with you)

I AM WAITING for Bill Clinton to swear to us again he never had sex with THAT woman(but this time he's gotta be hooked up to one of those truth buzzers with Jesse Ventura and a cattle prod standing by every time the buzzer goes off)

I AM WAITING to make it with Jacqueline Bissette (although we gotta hurry, she's starting to show her age.)

I AM WAITING to make it with Pamela Anderson Lee (I don't care how old she gets.)

I AM WAITING for Donald Trump to become president so Bill Clinton wont look so bad after all.

I AM WAITING for Donald Trump to change his black suit and red tie,he's starting to remind me of Rodney Dangerfield (naw,I like Rodney)

I AM WAITING for Jesse Jackson to just shut up already!!)

I AM WAITING for Bellagio to open it's lake for swimming and fishing.(hockey in the winter?)

I AM WAITING for a $2 blackjack table on a Saturday night.

I AM WAITING for a really FREE drink in a casino

I AM WAITING to catch an imitation crab.

I AM WAITING to find out what's really in those 99cent shrimp cocktails (naw,nevermind)

I AM WAITING for a really good Big Mac Lite to go with my lo cal french fries.

I AM WAITING to meet an english speaking hotel maid in Las Vegas.

I AM WAITING to meet an english speaking maid ANYWHERE (except Utah)

I AM WAITING to leave Las Vegas without having to leave a 20% tip.

I AM WAITING to leave Las Vegas with Elizabeth Shue.(Nickolas Cage can stay here and get drunk for all I care,I got LIZ.!!!)

I AM WAITING for Sigfreid and Roy to admit on stage they're both gay,and Wayne Newton's their boy toy.

I AM WAITING to become Madonna's boy toy.

I AM WAITING to become ANYONE'S boy toy.

I AM WAITING to find out Victoria's secret.

I AM WAITING to find out which one's Penn,and which one's Teller(like anyone cares)

I AM WAITING for Baker California to become THE place to go for New Year's Eve,so Las Vegas wouldn't be so crowded.

I AM WAITING for IOWA to become a really cool place to go so Nebraskan's would have somewhere to go on the weekends.

I AM WAITING for Las Vegas to change it's name to WAHOO!!!!,Nevada (you know damn well they'd do it if the new stationary wasn't so expensive.)

I AM WAITING to see the look on Vincent Van Gogh's face when he finds out his paintings are sitting on a wall in a casino in Las Vegas.

I AM WAITING for Las Vegas to change the name of the strip to Main Street so we could sound like a folksey kind of town.

I AM WAITING for Caesar's Palace to change it's name to Grandma Tina's Bed and Breakfast (to go with the folksey idea)

I AM WAITING for casinos to close on saturdays

I AM WAITING for casinos to close on sundays too

I AM WAITING for a child to lead us.

I AM WAITING for ANYONE to lead us.

I AM WAITING to get a clue,(I'm tired of guessing)

I AM WAITING for Mick Jagger's 19th nervous breakdown.(Hopefully it'll happen on stage when I have those $200 tickets so at least if the show's no good,just to see Mick loose it on stage would be worth the price of admission alone)

I AM WAITING 'till Mike Tyson's 96 so I can beat him up(Just something I've always wanted to do in return for the "BITE FIGHT")

I AM WAITING for the job as talent director at the Crazy Horse.

I AM WAITING for the job as bathroom attendent at the Crazy Horse.(I'll take my time and slowly work my way up.)

I AM WAITING for Barney Fife to buy a 45 automatic so he could keep a single clip in his shirt pocket (I hear crime's up in Mayberry)

I AM WAITING for the ancestors of black slaves to get the rights to build their own casinos so we could start paying them back like we did for the Indians.

I AM WAITING to find out who put the bop in the bop-shu-bop-shu-bop,and who the hell put the wham in the wham-a-lam-a-ding-dong.

I AM FOREVER WAITING for the Cubs to win SOMETHING in my lifetime,and for once enjoy my summer.(yah and I'm running for president too!)

I AM WAITING to find the light switch for the strip.for next New Years eve,no I wouldn't turn it off,I'd just flicker it on and off real quick,that'd scare 'em huh?

I AM WAITING for the lights to go out in Las Vegas because the power went off,because the dam dried up,because the river went dry,because someone in Pahrump flushed the toilet last night,and when everyone meets at Hoover Dam with their cups in hand wating for the last drop to come out of the Colorado River,I want t be there to say "I told ya so"

I AM FOREVER waiting for Las Vegas to show a little class.Just a little,(don't want to push these people into culture shock.)

I AM WAITING for the city of Las Vegas to name SOMETHING after Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr.least we forget them.

I AM WAITING for Charlie Brown to miss the football and kick Lucy over the goal posts on purpose.

I AM WAITING for Charlie Brown to tell the red-haired girl he's tired of waiting for her,and he's found a divorced Las Vegas cocktail waitress with two little kids who really loves and appreciates him.

I AM WAITING to wake up in a Peanuts comic strip so I could play baseball all summer,play football and ice skate all winter,have a loyal dog and good friends,and forever be a child.(and a psychiatrist on hand for a nickel don't hurt either)

Happy Millenium, Ken Pearlman