GOOD OLD LAUGHLIN , NV.

The coupon that arrived in the mail made me feel kind of old. It was a coupon from a casino in Laughlin, Nv. wishing me a happy birthday and offering me a free ($18) room good on any weekday along with a free entry to their weekly $5,000 Bingo...BINGO!!!

Oh God, Not the dreaded FREE BINGO IN LAUGHLIN. I phoned my lawyer to start the paperwork on the will, phoned the insurance guy to cancel all my policies, shut off the phone and gas and called my neighbor to please find the cat a good home before my body began to decay, I was headed to Laughlin.

Well eighteen bucks is eighteen bucks so I drove the ninety miles, little did I know that all the talk of Laughlin being the last stop before the undertaker, or Miami Beach, take your pick, was everything they told me and then some. I checked in to the Colorado Belle, the nice lady at the registration desk told me the free room was in the basement next to the ice machine and just down the hall from the water pump for the swimming pools.

"It doesn't have a river view, in fact, it doesn't even have a window, but with the television off the water pump sounds just like the ocean, and with the TV on real loud you can't even hear the pump." "O.K. lady, I'll take it, what about the free meal?" "Yes, that's the Continental breakfast. A free bear claw and a prune juice." "O.K. I'll take that too." With that she hands me a cellophane covered piece of something she says "that's the bear claw" "It looks more like a bear finger" "And here's your can of prune juice, you may want to put it in some ice before you drink it, and don't stray too far from your bathroom."

"Bingo's at eleven, can I sign you up?" "It's free right?" "Yup, it's free" "Sign me up." "You'll need a few cards, the cards are five dollars each." "HUH? FIVE BUCKS, I thought it was free." "Well the entry is free, the cards are five bucks, you want to play or what?"

Well I could see she wasn't kidding around and looking behind me I saw a sweltering crowd of aluminum walkers all aiming at my scrawny ass and poised to do battle so I succumbed and bought four cards. "That's fine, enjoy your Continental breakfast." I ate the bear claw and tried to feel "continental."

She wasn't kidding about the prune juice, after two hours of that warm fuzzy feeling and reading the Bullhead City Az. newspaper three times front to back, including the legal notices I headed up to Bingo.

The line was a block long. Before I approached the line I could hear the squeaking of the wheels and the tin pounding of what turned out to be three hundred aluminum walkers. It wasn't the walkers that frightened me, it was the fact that most all of them were armed with oxygen bottles attached to their noses like aliens receiving nourishment from the mother ship. Most of them were dragging the oxygen bottles behind them in carriers that looked like a golf bag cart, but the newest thing is to mount them in front on carriers that look like torpedoes armed to do battle like something out of the African Queen.

I could only imagine if they decided to end it all and take out the casino by pulling off the tubes and opening the oxygen valve wide open and grabbing a lighter and take a run at each other like Gladiator.

OK, now I'm scaring myself, I just hope I don't give anyone any ideas. Sitting next to two sisters from Kingman Az., they were "twins" but at 82 the only thing they had in common was the same brand of hearing aids. "We've been coming to Laughlin for the last 10 years and all our friends come up here, the weather's great and the bingo's the best." All I could do was nod as my head that was still ringing from the pitch of their voices trying to be heard over the casino noise that filtered through the hearing aids.

"Great, so if I need some help I can count on you two?" "WHAT, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, WHAT DID YOU SAY?" "I SAID I LOVE BINGO TOO." Just then the cocktail waitress showed up, I ordered a beer with a cup of ice, the girls ordered double Jack Daniels with a side of Diet Coke. This was gonna be a great weekend.

Trust me when I tell ya, old people are just US that haven't quite reached that age yet. Yah, we'll probably be using walkers (I want racing stripes and hand brakes) and taking those 12 hour day trips to Laughlin to play bingo and going every other week to get the hearing aid batteries changed and the oxygen tanks refilled, and maybe placing the oxygen tanks on the front of the walkers and keeping a lighter handy will be the only excitement we have in those years, and if that's the case, all I can tell you guys is WATCH OUT!!

-Ken Pearlman