Las Vegas can be looked at in two different eras: BM and AM. Before Mirage and After Mirage or for those who know the truth, it's really BW and AW, Before Wynn and After Wynn. If we look back at Las Vegas just before the building of the Mirage, we wouldn't notice much difference from the casinos of the '50s and '60s and the casinos we knew then. But after the Mirage set the new standards of casino/resort building, not just here in Las Vegas, but everywhere in the world, no one could get away with only building four walls and a swimming pool anymore. Now that the future has been set in motion, there's no telling where it will lead us. Unfortunately the people leading us into the future in Las Vegas are the lamebrain bean counters whose idea of success is finding a new tax deduction. But let's take a look five years into the future and you'll notice many differences.

Here's a look at Las Vegas in 2007:

The Le Rev was built in 2003 and although Steve Wynn fought and fought to keep his original plans for the fountains, even he couldn't get grandfathered in when city council shut off new fountains to all the casinos as a last desperate move to conserve water. He had to settle for a few small fountains; the word "no" had found even Steve Wynn's vocabulary, an impossibility just a few years earlier. Only the few whose water was considered essential to business, such as Bellagio's lake and the Mirage volcano, as well as the Treasure Island's bay that were in eyesight of the Strip were allowed to stay and even those were limited to night hours only. The other casinos were forced to put in desert landscaping like they should have done years earlier and even the staunchest of the water lovers had to admit it was like bringing the desert back to Las Vegas. The big spending no-limit casinos had to deal with limits now. Money could buy ALMOST anything, or so they thought, but all their money couldn't figure out a formula to manufacture H2O. With over 2 million people in the valley, they couldn't stretch the water any farther. The casinos were busier than ever, with the building boom created in 2003 when Steve Wynn's Le Rev went up. It was the same building fever that happened back in the 1990s when Wynn built the Mirage and Bellagio, which was followed by all the other strip casinos. New casinos popped up on Sahara Boulevard and the Strip across from the Sahara Hotel. A huge casino and amusement park was opened in 2006. Now we were becoming a city not only known for our casinos and nightlife, but even better- known as the roller coaster capitol of the world. The Forum Shops went underground and were twice as big as the original plans back in the '90s. Caesar's Palace had been built, re-built and re-re-built since then and was finally at its last stages for a while and was an incredible place. One could now literally spend the entire day trying to see everything Caesar's had to offer these days. The Holiday Inn Boardwalk casino was finally torn down a few years ago (they threw a party and thirteen people showed up for the implosion), the Bellagio hooked up with the Monte Carlo and built some incredible retail shopping to compete with Caesars Forum shops. The Aladdin had been turned into a slot joint with six blackjack tables and video poker tournaments every afternoon. The Desert Passage shops had been turned into just that, a Desert Passage. They tore out the stores and just left the tunnels, but it's a great place to get out of the heat in summer.

They finally leveled the strip from south of the Riviera to the Le Rev. They got rid of the Algiers, Silver City and all those dumpy strip malls and built a huge indoor sports pavilion to house the Las Vegas Bulls, the new pro basketball team in the winter, which they share with the Las Vegas Cubs, the new pro baseball team that plays under the retractable roof so we can watch the game in air conditioned comfort. We purchased them from Chicago in 2003 when they decided to tear down Wrigley Field and replace it with a huge beer tavern and pizzeria, seeing as how that was all anyone ever did in that area anyway. We gave them the entire Fremont Street Experience as an even trade for the teams and we even threw in the old Debbie Reynolds casino, as well as the old Debbie Reynolds. Chicago thought they got a pretty good deal until she croaked on the airplane ride over, so they sued Las Vegas in small claims court. Now they're stuck with our old dumps and we're stuck with the Cubs and the Bulls, their old dumps.

In 2004, the Las Vegas Cubs won the National League Pennant, and in 2005 beat the New Orleans Red Sox in the World Series (Hey, it's my column!!) something neither team could do for over a hundred years. But the Laughlin Indians (sorry Cleveland but you can't win there either) are an up-and-coming team in serious contention with the Irvine Dodgers. We even had a program set up with the city of Chicago to fly some of the old people out to Las Vegas who had never seen the Cubs win, so they could see what a Cubs uniform looked like standing next to the World Series trophy. But that had to be discontinued since most of the elderly from Chicago couldn't take the strain and some had either collapsed or went berserk, many even had to be tranquilized and diapered. A few even dropped dead right there in their seats. It was a beautiful thing. A couple from Harvey, Illinois lost their eyesight upon seeing the trophy and it was reported two nuns from Loyola swear they saw Jesus standing in right field next to Sammy Sosa who, in his late 40s, still hit 87 homers last year but could barely do the hop and run the bases anymore. Plus, he had so many people to thank now that it took better than fifteen minutes of kissing his fingers and thumping his chest and giving the peace signs that the Cubs were trying to sell time to ESPN to cover the after-homer event.

The basketball team of course, was the old Chicago Bulls. They hadn't played in three years since the city canceled their contract, after Jerry Krause and Jerry Reinsdorf were thrown in jail when they were caught running naked through money they had stolen from the beer concessions stands at the stadium over the last twenty years. But with Michael Jordan as our new head coach and Dennis Rodman hired to design the uniforms and train the cheerleaders (who are part-time dancers at the Olympic Gardens), we're looking pretty good and the players are real happy about it too.

It's gaming that has gone through the most changes. Blackjack is all dealt from shuffle machines. A computer's now used to add the cards together since the new dealers are just too damn slow. All the dealers have to do now is aim the machines and they spit the cards onto the layout for them. The tables all take ATM cards right there in a slot behind the betting circle. You just punch in how much you want to bet and it debits it right out of your bank account. (As the Church Lady would say, "How conveeenient!") When you run out of money, a red light comes on and you have twenty seconds to clear the seat. After that, you're not allowed to play anything unless you have cash. But the biggest progress in the casinos today are the tracking devices.

Years ago, the players' cards were innocently introduced as a way to give more comps to the deserving players. What they failed to tell you in full was how they were going to track you and the new devices are used to that end. The new gaming tables are now wired into computers. Each betting circle has sensors and each casino has their own marked chips - computer chips - that are now placed in each gaming chip. That way, there are no more counterfeit chips. Each time a new hand is dealt from the shuffle machines, the bets on the betting spots are locked in, so no chips can be taken off or added to any bets, thus eliminating any pinching or past-posting of bets. Each spot is shown on a computer screen for surveillance and the pit bosses to watch, not just who was playing, but the exact amount of each bet, how much was won or lost to the penny, and just as important, how the player ranks as to their play by how you played each hand. Did you split your 8's, did you double down on a soft 13? Are they card counters, just good strategists, goddamn lucky, or like most, really dull, unimaginative, and by-the-book players that could only stick to a plan when it was working and fall apart at the loss of one or two hands? But either way, they know who you are, where you were, what you were doing, who you were with, what you ate and drank and how much of each. Every time you took a comp it showed your order. They know when you entered, where you went, what you did, and when you left. Now when you show up, they'll have a bottle of Dom Perignon or Budweiser, caviar or a bag of salty pretzels ready in your room. They know when you were in your room, what you were doing in there, whether the television was on, what channel you were tuned into. How often you showered and how many times you flushed (or didn't). They know who you call, where you call and how long the call took. They even know if you gambled in other casinos since all the casinos decided long ago to share their information on their "average" players. Even the smaller casinos didn't share their information on their own "whales." You'd be invited to the Betty Boop Slot Invitational if you were a Boop freak and played those machines more than the others, or you'd be asked to dress like your favorite Munster at the "Dress As Your Favorite Slot Machine Contest" if you constantly played those machines. The annual "Dress As Your Favorite Elvis, Either the Early Years Or The Late Years Contest" was huge. All the casinos went to ticket-in ticket-out slot machines and nowadays there's no more need for coins. You can put cash or even a credit card or ATM card into the machines now. Cash out and you're paid with a receipt that can be used anywhere in the casino including restaurants and bars. But they didn't abandon the old slot machine noise, they constantly play the old recorded sounds of coins hitting the old coin drops and every time a jackpot is hit, it sounds like a thousand bucks dropping from the machine. After a certain period of time, the coin sounds stop, a phony crowd cheers, and a little receipt drops out of the old coin drop as the recorded voice says "You're a winner, take your goddamn ticket."

Not many people these days travel with cash, anyway. When they play, they just insert their money cards they either purchase like gift certificates at the cashiers cage, or use their ATM or credit cards. When they're ready to quit, they just hit the deposit button and the money's deposited back to the card or back to the bank account. They can either take the cash from the card or deposit it directly into their bank accounts. Even the cocktail waitresses are more modern. When you order a drink you give them your player's card and they get you your "usual" but they also get an approval at the same time if you want to order Chivas Regal and you only rate Jim Beam, according to your play. A $5 player ain't getting Johnny Walker, only Hiram Walker. The new table games are getting simpler and simpler to get more young players that normally pass on the harder games like Blackjack and Pai Gow Poker. War is a huge game and the casinos hired people now called Rovers whose job is to just explain how to play the games. "War? Yes ma'am, an eight is higher than a three. Yes ma'am, you win when you beat the dealer." "You want to double down, sir? Yes, you have two dollars out there, so that would be another two dollars, sir. Yes sir, four dollars is twice as much as two dollars, sir. Yes ma'am, a blackjack only pays $6 for your $5 bet nowadays, ma'am, new casino policy." "Yes sir, three Jacks is higher than a King high, so yes, you do win." "How much? Let me get my calculator." Even slot change people were re-hired to show people how to play slot machines since they did away with the handle. "See where it says insert bill, sir? Well, that's where you'd want to put the money, try that first, yes, trust me. Then see the big red button that says "push to play" yeah, well that's were you want to push the button to play. Then when you're ready to cash out just push the "cash out" button and it'll give you your ticket. No, you don't get money, you get a ticket, just take it to the cashier's cage and show them your players card and a picture I.D. and they'll take your thumb print and if you'd like, they can test your cholesterol while you're up there, then they'll give you your damn money, o.k.?"

Room prices have gotten so expensive they're regularly renting rooms by the hour, just like the downtown motels have been doing for years. There's still room service at the big hotels but you have to meet the guy at the elevator with cash in hand. And you have to pay for everything. There are change machines in every room for things like flushing the toilet or running the shower. Even the Magic Fingers was up to a buck for ten minutes. (That's where I drew the line.) Pay-TV is in every casino now, but at least the casino's gambling channel is free. The new hotels are so big now that they gave everyone GPS trackers to find the casinos and restaurants. But people still lose them now and then and have to be rescued after being found wandering in places like stairwells and hallways. But even the casinos are smart enough to start placing slot machines in the stairwells and hallways. Even the bathroom stalls have Deuces Wild machines installed in them. People often spend hours taking a shit nowadays. One man at the Horseshoe even committed suicide by drowning himself in the toilet after a particularly bad round at the dollar machines.

Yes it's a great time to be alive in Las Vegas; they finished building the Las Vegas Monorail and still couldn't get riders until they raised the price of gas to $8.50 a gallon in the city when they were only paying $1.79 everywhere else. It was hard to get around on the Monorail since they kept dropping everyone off at the MGM and wouldn't let them off anywhere else. People were seen leaping from the platforms when they couldn't face another walk through the lion's mouth. They would walk between the monorail cars and leap into the Flamingo's swimming pool as it went by, but many often landed in the Penguin's exhibit and had their pictures taken for $25 as they were carted off by security. Although it's free to walk the Strip, the bridges over the strip were now toll bridges. Although it's a buck to walk from the Bellagio to Caesar's Palace, it's still a dime to cross over from Circus Circus to the Riviera, and, as always, free to anyone who wanted to enter the Sahara Hotel.

We all long for the old days when the shrimp cocktails were still 99 cents and didn't have the sign, "eat at your own risk" on every plastic cup. Even the hotdogs have changed; they're just called "Hots" nowadays, since they were forced to drop the word "dog" two years ago, thanks to a lawsuit by PETA when they couldn't identify what the hell was in those dollar hot dogs. (They're in a fight now to drop the "shrimp" from preceding the word "cocktail" after discovering that new species of crustacean being sold at the Golden Gate downtown.) And though not much has changed in my life, I'm still a dealer, but at least nowadays the tips are better thanks to the passing of the "armed dealers' ordinance" in 2005 when Bob Stupak was elected mayor (after mayor Goodman was photographed with a bottle of Beefeater Gin getting a free lap dance inside the city limits), which now allowed me to carry a gun on the games and use it if I deem necessary. Last year I had to shoot down three Canadians who refused to tip me after winning $312 playing Roulette. It was ugly, but I had to do it, if not for myself, then for all those who have to deal to Canadians who never tip. Don't let this happen to you. Take my word for it, tip at all costs. Play it safe, it's not worth the risk. After all, it ain't the old days anymore, folks.

-Ken Pearlman