Clueless in Las Vegas?

"WE DANCE AROUND THE RING AND SUPPOSE, WHILE THE SECRET SITS IN THE MIDDLE AND KNOWS"

For most people, innocence ends at the casino door. They walk in wide eyed, overwhelmed by the lights, the sights and sounds of the casino. As if the games and the machines weren't enough, they have to add more lights and sounds and motion and smells, color schemes, maze-like layouts of the casino floor. They have us totally confused, making it hard to think straight. Then you sit on a live game, and the dealer expects you to know all the rules, or gets all pissy if they have to correct you twice. When I'm playing for a $5 chip, it's not enough that they have the complete edge to the odds on the games, but they have to throw in a dealer that either won't talk to you at all, some that don't even understand English, they won't look at you, don't even acknowledge your existence at times, unless of course you tip them.

Sure, they can tell you to keep your hands off the cards, scratch like this, don't touch the bet, don't touch the payoff until he picks up the marker in Roulette, don't do this, don't do that, it goes on and on. We walk in seeing the millions of dollars on the progressive slots, it's ours if we want it bad enough, maybe, but it's the maybe that keeps us playing when we're down, keeps the cash coming out of the wallet when we know we can't possibly catch up to our losses.

The guy that's stuck for a few hundred knows he's not going to get even betting $5 or $10 on blackjack but he keeps dreaming, and keeps playing. He knows it, but won't admit it to himself. Somehow we keep thinking we can go on some mystical winning streak that won't end until the casino manager asks us to take our thousands and leave since he can no longer afford the play. Playing the slot machines, we keep seeing the Megabucks symbols line up, the royal flush pop up when we hold the king of spades. We're going to line up 15 straight on the keno machine, somehow we're going to get even because we know inside we're good people and we're loved everywhere else, if god really loves us, he'd line up those symbols for us, he'd put us on that winning streak that'll show us how much he cares.

Then comes the reality crush. The player will sit there maybe up a hundred. He knows a hundred isn't a lot of money, but if he thinks about it, it would pay for the 2 days food and gas. He could take his wife out for a nice dinner on the casino. So what is it that keeps us sitting at the table when we're up a hundred and hit a loosing streak, and could just as well leave with $75 or $80, but now we're thinking, ok, if I can get back to a hundred, I'll quit, so we keep playing. Usually until the last chip is gone, and we justify it by telling ourselves well,we started with only $20, so the worst I can do is lose twenty bucks. The dealer takes the last chip and we suck on our drink and think well I came to play so let's buy in for another $20 and we can run it up to $100 just like we did before, then we'll quit. Just give me a chance to get back that hundred I just had, and I swear I'll quit (HELLO..ANYONE IN THERE??)

So we bring out another $40 and figure we're going to get even. The dealer's just smiling to themselves because they know. And suppose you do get back that hundred, do we quit? NO!! We start to feel good 'cause we're up a hundred (Minus the $40 buy in, and the $40 we lost the first time, we're really only up $20) and we figure, hell, that was so easy, we don't have to worry, if we lose this, we can always win it back. (Déjà vu all over again)

Well here's how it looks and sounds to the dealer...
I walk onto the blackjack game, tap the dealer out. The first thing I do is straighten the rack from the last dealer, as I do this, I'm looking at who has how much, who has the most, the least.(If there's any cute girls on the game) I look at their eyes and see how attentive they are to me and the game. When the players get a break(new dealer or a shuffle or a fill)some go for the drink, some talk, and some count their money (if there's enough worth counting). Usually the ones counting their money are more attentive. Some will color up (change the small chips for larger denomination chips) and put a certain amount in their pocket, called rat-holeing, it's really just a form of money management, or so they think, but we know damn well, as soon as they lose the chips on the table they're going right to the pocket anyways. When that happens, they're usually pissed off and want to get even (I'm not sure who they're pissed at or who they're looking to get even against).

The first thing I hear is someone saying (you have to imagine a whiney tone of voice) "KKKeeennn, are you gonna give us some money? Are you going to be good to us? Are you going to take care of us?" My reply is usually "Yes, I'll take care of you, through sickness and in health, till death do us part, or at least 'till you're broke."

Then, "Ken, you take care of me, and I'll take care of you." That's when I usually call the floorman "Hey, get me a piece of paper and pencil, I want this on paper, and get me a lawyer in case he backs out. Hey pal, I want 10% for the first thousand, then 15% for every hundred after that, I get Saturdays and Sundays off and all holidays pay double, and you don't call me Ken, you call me SIR."

If anyone's tipping, the dealer before me tells me who it is when he claps out and points to his tippers and says thank you, if he doesn't point or at least look directly at you, I know no one's toking. But whoever he does thank is usually the focus of attention (unless you a female, under 40, and really cute). I can tell by how you put your bet up weather you're confident or scared or just drunk. In a face down game, how you pick up the cards tells me if you're a player or not. The way you put up your double down or split bet tells me your level of experience and confidence. If you put your cards and bet up before the dealer gets to you, you know what you're doing. If you cut a stack of chips into the original bet you're obviously a player. And if you tip, I couldn't care less if you lick the damn cards and chew on the chips.

On Roulette I get the same cry "KKKeeennn, I need to win, give me a number." My usual reply is..."My numbers are 39-42-47-52 oh wait, that was last nights lottery, uh my numbers are 36-24-36, no that's not it, that was last nights uuuhhhh, OK, OK, 17" And of course, they put one on 17-3-24-28. "Wait, I just told you 17, why are you wasting your money on those other numbers? Don't you believe me, don't you trust me? I'm only going to hit one number at at time." Then of course it lands on 31 "KKKeeennn I thought you said 17?" "Yah, and believe me, it WILL land on 17." "But when?" "Shit, I don't know when, get a grip man, you think if I knew when I'd let you take up a seat when all my friends could be sitting here splitting 50/50 with me...you want to split 50/50?" That usually shuts them up pretty quick. But of course, if 17 did hit I'd probably just get a "thanks Ken, now what number?" When they take a stack of chips and put 2 or 3 on each number in the same order every time, they know what they're doing. When they take one chip in their hand, look around the layout, slap the chip on 24, then move it to split 23-24 then move it to corner 20-21-23-24 then just put it on black instead, they haven't got a clue. When they bet their birthday, their mother's birthday, the date they first got laid, they haven't got a clue.

On Let-It-Ride, if they bet a 10-J-A, they know what they're doing. When they bet a 3-4-7 trying for an inside straight, they haven't got a clue. In Let-It-Ride, when you get a straight or higher, on entering the hand into the computer, a song plays with applaud at the end. If the first thing you say when I come on the game is "KKKeeennn, we need some music, are you going to play music for us." I usually say, "No, cause I charge a cover charge to get into my house to listen to me play music, but I have a CD on sale, only $17.99, you wanna buy one?"

On Caribbean Stud Poker, when I turn my one card face up on top of my hand, and it's an Ace, and someone throws me $2 and says "I'll take insurance" they haven't got a clue. But if they have an Ace-King-Queen, and bet it when I'm showing an Ace, then they know what they're doing.

So basically what's going on here is people walking into a confusing environment, an uncertain future, an unfamiliar situation, dealing with people who do this every day, know all the procedures and rules, and really couldn't care less if you win or lose. They're just doing the same thing everyone else is doing everyday in their lives, working 8 hours, supporting themselves and families, driving used cars, shopping for bargains, paying their taxes, taking care of their families. It's no different than when I bring my car into a repair shop. I'm walking into a confusing environment, tools and parts I've never seen, facing an uncertain fate, dealing with people I've never met, who do it everyday, who don't know or care how important my car is to me, and I just have to trust they'll be nice enough, and compassionate enough and honest enough to treat me like they care a little, like they want to see a happy ending to our short-lived relationship, and that we'll come back to that situation again, knowing more than the last time thanks to a little kindness and understanding and help from those who do know and can explain so next time we'll feel a little more comfortable, a little less clueless, hoping there are people out there who won't take advantage of us just because we're a little green.

Just to let you know, my sarcasm is always followed by a friendly smile and usually "don't worry, I'll watch out for ya" and that seems to make everyone breath out, feel a little more comfortable knowing there are compassionate dealers out there, that the whole gambling world isn't just a bunch of greedy S.O.B.'s that just want your money, and get rid of you when you're broke. When my players make a mistake I try to help, when they play wrong, I do make suggestions, not always the right ones, but I try. When they lose I do tell them not to worry, that the only important thing is they get home in one piece, and when asked how their weekend was, they can think back on our experience together, and say "Well I lost (or won) a few bucks, but ya know what, I had a really good time, I had a great dealer.......Being clueless in Las Vegas can be a nightmare, or be alot of fun at times, but being nice always goes a long way ANYWHERE.....

-Ken Pearlman